Sunday, June 12, 2011

35 fun facts about the first 18 weeks of Pregnancy no one tells you

First I wanna say I didn't write this..I found it on the internet, but I think it is so funny and true.
Yes. I stole this from someone who stole it. so Author unknown

18 weeks of pregnancy down and I am quickly approaching the halfway point.  I figured this would be a good time to reflect on the past 18 weeks my belly has been growing and growing and share some often unspoken shocking facts I have learned since becoming pregnant.
Maybe I missed the memo that the Pregnant Fairy left on my pillow the night Tarzan impregnated me.  Or maybe these are lessons that every pregnant girl has to learn the hard way.  Either way, it’s been one heck of a learning curve at times!  And that’s why today I bring to you my 35 shocking facts 18 weeks of pregnancy has taught me.  So let’s dive in!
1.  I’ve seem to have sprung a vagina leak.  The thoughts of wearing grandma underwear and panty liners 24/7 dance around to the tune, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls” in my head.  Is it really necessary that almost every hole I have should leak?  That’s just not fun.
2.  Veins are popping out of boobs like crazy.  Like you can trace my vein on my boob with your finger crazy.  Either my boobs are working out and lifting weights while I sleep or they’re going to be some incredible 24/7 milk producing machines.  At this rate, I’ll have one happy, satisfied, and full baby boy.
Showering when pregnant sounds exhausting at times.3.  Hygiene seriously lacks. Sometimes I’m so tired that I don’t wash my face before I go to bed at night.  Sometimes, like today, I don’t brush my teeth until 2:24 pm.  Sometimes I have greasy hair.  Sometimes I only shave because I can’t stand how long the hair on my legs has gotten.  As gross as all of these things are, I’m (sadly) perfectly ok with it.
4.  I pee a ridiculous amount of times per day.  I pee more in a day now than I peed in an entire week all together.  Our water bill has increased ten-fold because of all the flushing going on around here.  One of my bad habits is to go to the bathroom and then tell Tarzan that we are out of toilet paper.  He hates it. 
5.  Not only is my belly growing, but so is everything else.  My arms, butt, thighs, and body parts I didn’t even know I had are getting bigger by the day.  This cannot be a good thing.
6.  Hormones are beyond out of control.  Just ask my husband Tarzan.
7.  I cry about everything.  I cry over commercials.  I cry over TV shows.  I cry over seeing someone do something nice for an elderly woman at the grocery store.  And I cry over the fact that I cry so much.  I’ve officially become lame.
8.  Forgetfulness flows through me like the sand through an hour glass.  The days of my life can be summed up in two words: Pregnant Brain.  I had something funny to also write here, but I forgot what it was.
Pregnant sex is not what I thought it would be.9.  Sex. Oh yeah.  Although I’d love to say that since becoming pregnant, sex is hot, steamy, incredible, and frequent, sadly it happens about as often as sequels are released for the movie Titanic.  
10. Laziness has become my middle name.  But so has sleep, nap, do-nothing, relax, and chill out.
11.  Food has become an obsession. I swear that Taco Bell and McDonald’s are making commercials just for me.  And no matter how much I eat, I’m always hungry again 30 minutes later.  Sorta reminds of of eating sushi pre-pregnancy.
12.  Social life.  What social life?  That went out the window shortly after getting pregnant and I’m often asleep on the couch by 8:30 and in bed by 9:00… Friday and Saturday nights included.
13.  My constant sneezing has become a way for Tarzan to keep track of where I am in the house at all times.  And this isn’t the cute sneeze like I used to have.  Oh no, this sneeze is extremely loud and it’s best to have a kleenex on hand for the huge amount of snot that flows out of my nose.
14.  Everything has a smell.  I can smell the tile, Tarzan, the garbage in the kitchen, our dog, our couch, the TV, and the flowers in the other room all at the same time.  I’d either make a great super-sniffing super hero or I could replace a few drug-sniffing dogs police use.
15.  Bitchiness.  Don’t mess with me.  My hormones are ready to go into battle at a moments notice… and I never lose.  Really.
My dog loves being near me since getting pregnant.16.  My dog is attached to me like a cell phone on a 15 year-old that loves to text.  She must be next to me at all times now.  Too bad she won’t hop in the shower with me though, she could use a bath soon.
17.  Even though I am growing a baby, I still don’t like the fact that I’m gaining weight in other spots than my stomach.  Why didn’t I luck out with one of those awesome bodies that doesn’t gain weight so easily?  Damn genes.  
18.  Google isn’t always a pregnant girl’s friend.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked something up and based on what I read I’d swear I was either going into labor or that I had a rare disease only found in red frogs in the Amazon jungle.  No joke.
19.  Most maternity clothes are as flattering as me wearing a Snuggie everywhere I go.
20.  Fitted pregnancy shirts seem to work better than the flowy kind.  At least you can tell I’m pregnant and not just really fat.  And this is ALWAYS a plus.
21.  Pimples suck.  What am I, a teenager again?  Well, shoot, even as a teenager I never had acne.  Pimples and pregnancy seem to go hand in hand for a lot of us.  Who would have known that pimples could grow into your hairline and on your head?
22.  People want to touch my belly, even though it’s not a huge bump yet… and I do not like this.  My belly is my belly.  Your ass is your ass.  Just because you have a bubble there doesn’t mean everyone who walks by can touch it.  Hands off my bump!
23. I get into fights over nothing sometimes with Tarzan – over stupid things.  If he forgets to put a new trash bag in the trashcan  after taking it out, God help him.  He’s in for a pregnant woman hormone outburst like he’s never seen.
I'm definitely having an epidural.24.  People are extremely noisy.  I know that they care for the most part, but I don’t care about your advice, your name choices, or how it was 20 years ago when you were pregnant.  If I wanted to know what it was like, I’d ask you.  And for God’s sake, the last thing I want to hear about is how you were in labor for 30 hours and you wanted to die.  Or how you pooped on the table.  Or how you tore so badly.  Or how your baby had problems.  Or how sex is just not the same.  Or that the epidural didn’t work.  Yea. Thanks for telling me that.  Bitch.
25.  Now that I’m pregnant, other pregnant women feel it’s OK to talk to me about their dark nipples or leaky vaginas.  And for some strange reason this keeps happening over lunch or dinner.  True story.  The last thing I want to be thinking about while pouring gravy on my mashed potatoes is your leaky vagina thankyouverymuch.
26.  It’s easy to make friends in dressing room hallways with others who are trying on maternity clothes.  We have this new common bond.  It’s like we’re all meant to be BFF’s to bond over how awful some maternity clothes can be.
27.  Wearing fun heels is still do-able, but I know it will become all but a distant memory soon enough.  I don’t know what it is about being pregnant and my feet being different.  The same heels I wore pre-pregnancy that fit my foot just fine then, make my feet hurt like hell every time I wear them now!
28.  Dreams while pregnant can get a little wild at times ranging from nightmares, to puppies, to normal sex, to bisexual sex (for the record, I’m a straight girl) :)
29.  Migraines.  Enough said.
I get out of breath easy since becoming pregnant.30.  I get out of breath doing just about anything now.  Stairs?  Forget about them.  Show me the nearest elevator.  What?  No elevator?  Carry me.
31.  The wonderful sneeze and pee.  It’s bad enough that I’m sneezing all the time now, but to have to worry about some pee escaping each time I do, is truly something I’d rather live without.
32. My areolae have begun their attack on my boobs.  At this rate, I fear that my entire body is slowly turning into one big nipple.
33. Nausea and morning sickness are far worse than what “they” tell you it’s like.  I compare it to having the worst hangover you’ve ever had and feeling like that for 24-48 hours at times.  And then waking up the next day and starting all over again… and again… and again…
34.  My pregnancy gas is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  It’s frequent and according to Tarzan, studies should be done on a pregnant woman’s gas as it may be an effective weapon to fight wars and crime.
35.  Finally, the infamous pregnancy glow that you hear about is a bunch of bullsh!t.  It hasn’t happened yet and I seriously have doubts that it ever will happen.  Seriously.  At this rate the only thing that will be glowing on me is my stomach when the light hits it just right because my skin will be stretched out as far as it can go!

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